The Family That Blogs Together…

On the Wednesday before Thanksgiving Mrs. R was busily vacuuming when the vacuum cleaner began to make a horrible noise. Since I was (cough, cough) home from work that day, I undertook a CSI-level investigation and quickly determined that the drive belt had broken. As anyone with a vacuum cleaner knows this is a common occurrence and can be easily diagnosed by a 4th-grader. Nonetheless, I heroically patted myself on the back for making such an insightful discovery.

Unfortunately we didn’t have a replacement belt in stock. And since we were expecting a few people over for the holiday, this was becoming a minor emergency. I called the store where we purchased the vacuum cleaner, explained that the machine was 3 or 4 years old, and asked if they carried the replacement belt for our model. I was switched around the store before I spoke with a polite young woman, Sally, who worked in the vacuum department. Boy, that job must suck. (Sorry, I couldn’t help myself there…)

I explained my situation to her and she said that they no longer carried those belts.

“Hmmm” I thoughtfully replied.

“Have you tried the manufacturer?” she asked.

“No” I said. “We were hoping to get this taken care of this afternoon.”

“I see” she replied. “If you’ll bring your vacuum in, along with all of the attachments, we’ll replace it at no cost.”

“But we no longer have the receipt” I said.

“It’s okay, we’ll do that, just for you” Sally replied.

So we did, and they did. Pretty amazing huh?

There was one catch though. It turns out that I have to take Sally’s cousin to dinner in a couple of weeks. Sally tells me she’s a sweet girl with a great personality…

Anyway...

I’ve noticed recently that simple math is a difficult concept for some folks. The other day, while at work, I was reading a report prepared by an engineering firm that described a new, innovative product. The report stated that this product was “exclusively one-of-a-kind.” Yikes…

While watching a college football game this weekend, the announcers were breathlessly singing the praises of the offensive coordinator for one of the teams, pointing out that since he had come to the school their offense had been scoring considerably more points than in the past. Right on cue a graphic popped up showing that since this person had become the offensive coordinator, the team had had scored 30 or more points 19 times. The graphic also said that their record in those games was 16-2. Hmmm…

It’s time to present some more Designating Underachievement in Marketing By Advertisers Selling Stuff awards.

This month’s DUMBASS award goes to Verizon Wireless for their inane ad which features two women who both want the last phone at the Verizon store. The commercial begins with one asking the other, “One phone left in the Verizon store, who gets it?” When the other gal replies “I do” she is either shot in the neck with a tranquillizer dart or handcuffed to the chair.

Nice work Verizon. Who is your ad agency, Mrs. Jones 8th grade class?

The coveted DUMBASS Lifetime Award goes to Dodge Trucks. You may remember that we’ve been critical of Dodge Trucks in the past when they used Rockem-Sockem robots to demonstrate the toughness of their trucks.

Suburban Rogue February 17, 2007

The new Dodge Trucks ad features the trucks being driven through walls of fire, between swinging rusting truck bodies, that sort of thing. I know commuting is rough these days, but sheesh…

Imagine a well-written transition paragraph right here….

Daughter Rogue is a less than tidy housekeeper. Recently she decided to clean-up her apartment and in the process found the cables for her computer printer. She was very excited because these cables had been lost for about 15 months. DR hooked up her printer, sent a file to print, and was very disappointed when a blank paper came out. She repeated the process and achieved the same result. DR then opened the printer cover and discovered that there were no ink cartridges in the printer…

It is this same young lady that recently took a big step, traveling to Dallas for the 45th anniversary of the assassination of JFK. DR is a history major and is intrigued by the story of the Kennedy family. She did all of this on her own, and I think it’s pretty cool. You can read her blog at:

Daughter Rogue's Blog

Keep 'em in Stitches

You may have noticed the frequency of these blogs decreasing recently. All I have to say about that is, you’re welcome…

So, some weeks are worse than others, but this past week will definitely make my all-time top five. Among a number of annoyances, I found out I get to be on cholesterol-lowering medicine for the foreseeable future; had a pre-screening for and scheduled a “you’re gonna put the camera where?” medical procedure; and then watched as some f**kwad backed into Big Mo in a parking lot, left a big dent, and then drove off.

I did finally make it to the weekend, and had some seemingly harmless activities planned. On Saturday I went to my parent’s house to help them rake up some leaves, clean gutters, that sort of thing. Raking leaves at their house is not just a simple two-hour chore, their backyard is about ¼ acre and they have several large trees. The usual take is about 20-25 garden bags full of leaves.

Things were progressing nicely, and we were in the final stages of putting stuff away. My Dad has a tool shed with a very low roof. But he’s only had it for about 35 years, so I’ve gotten used to it. Or so I thought.

Anyway I was in the shed trying to move the snow-blower and as I stood up to pull it back I banged my head on one of the roof rafters. That is a fairly common occurrence in that shed. I reflexively snapped my head forward and smacked my chin on the top bar of a pipe-metal two-wheeled dolly. In the milliseconds after my chin came into contact with the two-wheeler I managed to bite deeply into my lower lip. I also managed to spout a few words that I didn’t know I knew...

After about 20 minutes of self-inflicted first aid I had managed to slow the bleeding down and decided it was now time for the professionals to take over. Mrs. R met me at the Walk-in clinic. If you are ever at one of these clinics and need to move things along, just start bleeding. Apparently bleeding gets you moved to the front of the line…

After I got back to examining room, I nominated myself for the “Idiot of the Day Award” but the doctor said I didn’t stand a chance. Earlier that day she had helped a father-son duo in which dad had accidentally shot a nail through junior’s finger using a nail gun. To be honest, I just can’t compete with that.

Anyway…

Dr. Susan and Nurse Kelly took very good care of me. There was a brief moment of panic for Nurse Kelly when Dr. Susan threatened to suture Kelly’s fingers to my lips. Other than the Novocain injection into my very sore lip, which was somewhat uncomfortable in that if there weren’t 12 people holding me down I would’ve hurt somebody way that things can be uncomfortable, the stitches went in without any problem.

I have three stitches in my lower lip, it’s a little swollen but not bad, and the skin below my lip is turning black and blue. I get to eat a soft food diet for a week or so, and since Dr. Susan is worried about infections, I get to take a fairly strong antibiotic which is in the process of eliminating all of the bacteria that live in my body, including those in my digestive tract…

Dr. Susan told me that I will likely have a scar on my lip when everything heals, and at first I was devastated by this news, since it likely means my chances of becoming a male super-model have evaporated. On the other hand, the scar will definitely enhance my roguish appearance.

So, you know, at least I got that goin’ for me…