Sunday, June 29, 2008

Real Life Part I

It has come to my attention that there is, on occasion, some exaggeration of actual events as they are reported in this blog. While I can neither confirm nor deny that allegation, I can assure you that the following events are presented as they actually occurred, without exaggeration or other distortion of the facts...

This conversation recently happened at my house:

“Honey, have you seen my green pants?”

“You mean your sage pants?”

“No, I mean my green ones.”

“They’re sage, not green.”

“Sage sounds gay.”

“I’m a woman, and I can be gay if I want to!”

I was driving down a main thoroughfare the other day in light but steady rain, following a convertible whose male driver had the top down. I was chuckling to myself when a thirty-something blonde woman pulled up beside me, also driving a convertible, also with the top down. I adjusted my speed so that she remained next to me for several miles because I believe I was witnessing the worlds first 45 mph wet t-shirt contest…

Earlier this spring, Mrs. R was fighting a nagging sinus infection that just wouldn’t go away. Her doctor had prescribed an inhaler to help keep her airways open. Something about oxygen being important.

Anyway, on our way to a Rockies game, Mrs. R became concerned that she couldn’t make the walk from the parking lot to the stadium if she didn’t use her inhaler. She put the inhaler in her mouth and pressed down once, then twice. At this point she broke into a hysterical, wheezing kind of laughter. I was thinking, “Damn, there’s some good drugs in those inhaler thingies.”

Turns out Mrs. R forgot to remove the cover from the mouthpiece of the inhaler…

I recently finished reading a book about a writer’s account of his real-life adventures through the rugged Sierra Madre Mountains of Mexico. The book begins with the author being chased through the woods by some drug-crazed bad guys who are trying to kill him. The next chapter begins the long story of how he got into that predicament. It is a thrilling adventure and I became completely engrossed in the story, and began to wonder if the author, who, you know, wrote the story, would make it out alive…

Yikes, it’s going to be a long summer…

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Clubs, 'Vettes and Turbulence

When Son Rogue was younger, he and I started a tradition of going to a Rockies game each year near his birthday and Father’s Day, since those two occasions are often only a few days apart. In recent years, as our lives had become busier, we had gotten away from that tradition. This year, SR surprised me with a birthday gift of club level seats to a Rockies game the day after Father’s Day.

Let me just say this about that. The club level at Coors Field is really nice. I mean really nice. The club area, behind the seats, is indoors, air-conditioned, carpeted, tiled and staffed with very polite people. Oh, and there is lots of good food to choose from, much better than the options that the poor unwashed masses sitting in the “regular” seats have.

In addition to the nice surroundings, the people sitting in the club seats seem to be better behaved than elsewhere in the stadium. It was quite refreshing to not sit near some guy that thinks he knows everything about baseball because he "almost made his high school junior varsity team…"

The view of the field is terrific from up there, and it’s a great location for foul balls. The gentlemen sitting in the row in front of us brought his glove along, just in case. He also took out a second mortgage to buy a beer. Somewhere around the third inning he set his glove down to take a sip of beer. Unfortunately the batter didn’t see him do that and sent a foul ball towards our section. Our mortgagee instinctively reached for the ball, spilling his beer in the process. Our section heaped a lot of good natured abuse on the guy, and he laughed it off.

During in the middle of the game, some ominous looking helicopters started flying near the stadium. SR and I guessed that it was some sort of practice for the upcoming convention here, and SR verified it on his blackberry. About 2500 police officers were involved in the exercise, except for the three sitting behind us, who were in plain clothes and enjoying the game. Since they carry guns for a living we decided not to ask them why they weren’t training with their fellow officers…

One of the risks of the club level is that it attracts frat-boy types of all ages, including the father-son duo sitting a few rows in front of us. Dad, let’s call him “Dick” (the reason will become obvious), was well-dressed, wearing tasseled loafers, nice slacks, suspenders, and an expensive shirt and tie. He was well coiffed and thought that he “had it goin’ on.” It almost worked too, except that instead of removing his tie, he just loosened it and spun it around on his neck so the tie was pointing toward his ass. Not to be outdone, Dick’s son wore his glasses backwards on his head for most of the game. They were not sunglasses, but regular glasses, you know, for seeing. Ahh, frat-boys…

Oh yeah, the game. The Rockies didn’t play well, and were shut out until the bottom of the 9th inning. The only highlights were when Willie Taveras nailed a runner at the plate with a terrific throw from center field, and pinch-hitter Aaron Cook, who is a pitcher, hitting a first pitch single to left field. Other than that, it was a tough night for the Rocks…

Thirteen hours after the game ended I was on a plane heading to Nashville. I to had help solve some construction problems at a place north of Bowling Green, Kentucky. You may know this pace as Mammoth Cave National Park.

I had never heard of Bowling Green, Kentucky. I always thought that Bowling Green was in Ohio. Apparently, there are at least two Bowling Greens.

Bowling Green, Kentucky is the home of

Western Kentucky University

and, interestingly enough, the

Corvette Assembly Plant

and the

National Corvette Museum

Some of the people I met with suggested that I take a tour of the assembly plant, but I was afraid that I would’ve been compelled to purchase a new Corvette after the tour ended. And since I don’t have “65-large” sitting around that I don’t know what to do with, I thought it best to stay away. Besides, I probably couldn’t afford the gas to drive it home.

The highlight of the trip for me was on Thursday when my colleagues and I ate lunch at the Pig Diner in Pig, Kentucky. I would provide a link to their website, but Pig and the diner are located in

Edmonson County, Kentucky

which is in a very impoverished part of the United States. Nonetheless, the food at the Pig diner was outstanding, and I highly recommend it. Oh, and while some of the folks that eat there wear suspenders, don’t show up at the diner wearing your tie ass-backwards…

The trip back home was uneventful, except for the severe turbulence our plane experienced over southeastern Colorado. We hit a pocket of rough air that must’ve caused the plane to drop several hundred feet. When it happened, everyone let out an involuntary “Ooooooooo” and the plane shook and rattled.

At least that’s what I’m told.

You don’t hear too well when you’re curled up in the fetal position, screaming like a little baby…

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Huh?

Spanning the globe, bringing hard-hitting news directly to your screen. Here are the stories you could probably do without….


This is a bad day…

Nude Man Rescued from Portable Toilet


A frat party gone terribly wrong…

Thong-Masked Robbers


But Daddy, I’m the princess!

Horseplay


We all get cravings from time to time…

The Wild Asparagus is Ready



It might be time to drop a few lbs….

Moonshot